Relationship issues are universal. As a clinical counsellor who works with people from all walks of life, including equestrians, I frequently see individuals struggling in their connection with others. For equestrians, this could be with a barn mate, a trainer or an owner. Regardless, the one thing that barn drama, toxic workplaces and dysfunctional families all have in common is they are filled with personal boundary violations.

I have seen barns that are overflowing with boundary violations of all types, and each one hurts and chips away at the foundation of our relationships. Emotional or Relational Boundaries are the limit that defines us as separate
from someone else (Katherine, A. 1991 Boundaries). Boundaries can be physical, relational or emotional depending on the context. They are the guidelines that a person creates to interact with others in the world in ways that feel emotionally comfortable for them. Boundaries keep us safe and healthy in our relationships. They are not about trying to change other people. They are our emotional bottom line.

For example, going into someone’s tack box without their permission is a physical boundary violation. Making a barn mate feel guilty for not agreeing to ride your horse while you go on vacation is an example of a relational boundary violation. Being yelled at or subtly put down by your coach is an example of an emotional boundary violation. These violations are all intrusive, where one individual breeches another individual’s emotional boundary.

There can also be boundary violations that are mainly “distance” violations. For example, you and your trainer have developed a friendship over the years and you frequently socialize outside of your training. One day you have a minor disagreement and afterward, your trainer stops speaking to you (otherwise known as The Silent Treatment). This is a violation of distance because you had the expectation of a certain amount of intimacy based on the previous relationship. The silent treatment is a particularly brutal form of emotional blackmail, and very damaging to relationships.

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As adults we all must learn how to navigate complex relationships with other people in every area of our lives.
In order to do this, we need to be able to define our own boundaries and ask others to respect them. It also means recognizing other people’s and not pushing or manipulating them into doing things for us or making comments that are unwelcome or hurtful.