So I’ve been a bit remiss in my writing recently… too much going on in this thing called ‘life’ for my liking right now to be honest. So having been nudged politely to write from my friends here at Horse-Canada.com, I tried to pull something intellectual, deep and relevant out of my brain but have come out empty handed. It seems the thing right now to jump on the controversial subjects and spout out beliefs on blood or politics or whatnot, but I think we have enough of that going on right now that you hardly need my two cents. So instead I’m going with something a bit more light hearted.
I don’t watch much TV at all, but what I do love is my HBO. I am a Game of Thrones follower, having read all the books long before the series came out, and I do love me some John Oliver and Bill Maher. I may not agree with everything he says, but I find watching Bill Maher a great way to end my day with some interesting interviews and many laughs before bed. One of his funniest comedy bits is when he does something he calls “I don’t know it for a fact. I just know it’s true,” were he brings up points, usually about politicians, that he just knows are true even though he cannot prove it. So as a tribute to him, please allow me to digress into my horse world version of….
I don’t know it for a fact… I just know it’s true.
1. I don’t know it for a fact, but when you have to ask yourself what underwear to put on with your new show breeches in order to have the best ‘panty lines,’ you need to march straight back to that tackstore and let go of those size 28s you wore five years ago and embrace those 34s. No one wants to see your ‘panty lines’ good, bad or otherwise. Tights are for ballet dancers, superheroes, or the occasional do-gooder that lives in the forest and steals from the rich, but never for riders… I just know it’s true.
2. I don’t know it for a fact, but if you are selling your horse and the client requests the vet to do an EPM blood test or asks the vet if the horse will take their 14-year-old advanced in four years, you know they are not looking for a vetting, but rather a tarot or tea leaves reading and should get rid of the professional and replace them with someone whose name is predicated not by ‘doctor’ but rather ‘The Great’ or ‘The All Knowing’… I just know it’s true.
3. If your clients and staff complain about the rats you have that admitabley look like they fell into some of the Ninja Turtle’s mutagen, you may want to suggest that there could be a strong correlation between those rats and the all night buffet they leave on the tack shelves of boxes of Cheezits, Halloween candy, old baked goods that their parents have mailed them, and sips of Gatorade to wash it all down with. I don’t know it for a fact that that is the reason the rats take up residence here but, I just know it’s true.
4. I don’t know it for a fact, but when your trainer tells you for the eleven hundredth time to stop pulling on the inside rein it may be because they are trying to help you and not because they are secretly working for the Fed’s on new water board techniques for Gitmo…. I just know it’s true.
5. When you go hunting for that perfect ‘winning’ prelim horse with no vices, no soundness issues, the jump of Milton, the gaits of Valegro and a perfect attendance record at Mass all for under $40,000, you shouldn’t be turning to the classifieds, but rather the Harry Potter shop in Orlando for a wand and a book on necromancy. I don’t know it for a fact that those horses don’t exist, I just know it’s true.
6. I don’t know it for a fact, but when parents buy their kids a three- or four-year-old as a first horse because it will be “good for them,” it’s probably as good for them as for me to start off a Cat Husbandry 101 course with a cute and fuzzy Bengal… I just know it’s true.
7. I don’t know it for a fact, but when you, as a trainer, get frustrated at your Adult Amateur client for just “not getting it” you may want to ponder how messy you might be with just weekly one hour lessons and then turning your hand at performing their surgeries, executing their board meetings or litigating in their courtrooms… I just know it’s true.
8. But in the same light… I don’t know it for a fact, but when you get frustrated with your trainer that you haven’t started riding like Charlotte yet or your Appendix ain’t jumping like Big Star just now, you may want to recall those eleven thousand hours you spent on labs or in lectures and the hundreds of thousands you spent on college to perform those surgeries or council your client and then admit that it is probably going to take you just as long and cost just as much to get even in the same planetary system as Charlotte or Big Star let alone be like them… I just know it’s true.
Hope everyone had a good laugh. God knows those of us living south of the border need it these days with the election drama. Thank God I’ve kept my citizenship so I can do a runner if need be! I think in the spirit of xmas coming sooner rather than later and thus guaranteed airings coming up on my fav… Sound of Music, next month I will do a special list of my ‘favorite things.’ You may be surprised what comes out!