If you are reading this and you haven’t seen the video of Ed the naughty pony, you are almost certainly in a tiny minority among horse web surfers at this point. The Youtube video called ‘Ed being very naughty’ strings together a year’s worth of clips of Ed the pony doing his best impression of a rotten little MOFO. I actually think the video would have been better titled ‘Four Seasons of Ed’ because as the video jumps from one moment to the other so do the seasons. When my friend Terry sent me the link, I clicked on it and immediately began to laugh. Until the kid came off with both feet hung up in the stirrups. The video is cut off just as the pony starts to bolt, the little boy experiencing what I as a rider have always regarded as my worst nightmare: being dragged. I felt sick watching what could have been a tragic event for this family of questionably sound-of-mind people.
So Ed went viral just in the past few weeks. The video was originally posted in September 2009, but now that it’s been picked up by many internet entertainers it’s everywhere – including here:
The video is accompanied by an explanatory letter from the mother of Ross (the six year old boy). It’s a classic run-on half page example of the famous literary style, stream of guilty consciousness. Mom and/or Nan certainly were committed to recording every last moment of Ross’ riding career on video (and judging by the video, every moment was potentially his last). Perhaps their time would have been better invested in reading about the dangers of putting small children on ponies that are confirmed buckers and bolters, and who like to take the occasional roll while being ridden – such a book might be titled “There are no bad ponies, only bad parents (and grandparents)”. The video IS funny, but I suspect for the wrong reasons. Who wasn’t plunked on some little son-of-a-bitch when we were little? My mom even bought me one when I was two. He was three and his name was Monty. My only Monty memories are filled with terror, except for the day my mom broke the news to me that I was too big for Monty so she was giving him to the neighbours. I couldn’t see the back of that dappled little Shetland ass fast enough. Was my mom a model of safety measures? Hardly. But that was the 1960s, when ‘helmets’ were decorative head gear held on with an elastic band that most of us cut off the moment our mothers weren’t looking. Little Ross had the best in safety equipment – except for a safe mount.
I’ll tell you what Mom and Nan should have done. They should have called in Michael Morrissey to straighten out that pony. And speaking of MM, I see he wasted no time getting back in the show ring the moment his ban was lifted. Gotta win back some of that money he had to pay the FEI and USEF I guess.
While I’m being all high and mighty, let me bring to your attention another example of questionable judgement, this one in the taste department. Northlands Park racetrack in Edmonton just announced its Miss Canadian Derby 2010. And what do the Derby Girls have to do with horses? Save for the pitchfork one of them is clutching between her legs like a pole, not a hell of a lot. The desirable characteristics of a Derby Girl bear close resemblance to those of professionals who earn their livings by wearing as little as possible in return for tips stuffed where the sun don’t shine. The other place where the sun don’t shine, that is. In the rigorous interview process, the candidates were asked such mind-bending questions as what the last thing was they put in their mouths, their bed size and favourite smell. I’m frankly surprised they weren’t ask to share their preferred riding position.
The news report says that this year’s winner, Katie Graham, will be “an ambassador for the next year for Northlands Park” and “will spend Saturday in the Princess Party on the infield – a very popular attraction for girls (ages 2-10) in the family fun zone.” If Katie dresses like she did for her Derby Girl photo shoot, I would wager she is likelier to be a very popular attraction for boys (ages 8-98).
I have one goody to share with you. It pulls together all the themes of today’s post: a little bit of naughty and a little bit of scantily-clad, topped with a scoop of funny. It was sent to me by the only CoTH aficionado I knowingly count as a friend, Michael Matson. My non-existent German left me craving a translation of the words, which was kindly provided to me by Astrid at Eurodressage. Here is her rough translation of the lyrics: “Schatzken” means “sweetie”. I think it’s the famous announcer Isenbarth saying the commands
like “Stallion Parade is working trot tempo” (first sentence). It says something like, ‘sweetie can you braid my tail again, sweetie can
you put me on the hindquarters, oh that whip feels nice, take me by pulling on